Some Pages Turned, Some Bridges Burned, Some Lessons Learned

I am not a big believer in wasting time. I like to be productive, to use the time I have to do something worthwhile, to learn things from every experience I have. With that being said, I am struggling with the fact that I just got out of a five year relationship that went virtually nowhere, and am forcing myself to look back on those years to recognize what I really got out of them. First and foremost, if it were not for this relationship I do not know if or when I would have accepted Christ into my life. I cannot say that I became a Christian because of the example that was set for me in my relationship, but I highly doubt I would have ever gone to Campus Crusade for Christ in college if a certain guy had not been on the worship team. For that I am thankful, because I feel that knowing Christ has made the last five years more bearable and helps me through even the hardest times. Out of my relationship I also got my lovely kitty, Bella. This little love makes me smile and laugh on a daily basis and is always waiting for me at the door when I get home from work. Sure, I may look like a cat lady sometimes, but I get unconditional love from a crazy creature who knows when I am having a rough day and need some snuggle time. Of course there were more things I got from the relationship, including plenty of material things such as jewelry and clothes and enough stuffed animals to provide a safe landing for a skydiver with a broken parachute. In all seriousness though, I learned some valuable life (and relationship) lessons that I will carry with me in the future, and I hope that by sharing them at least one other person will learn something and will not fall into the same trap I did for so long.

So, ladies and gentlemen, here we go.

Lesson #1: Make sure you are completely over your last relationship before getting into a new one.


Yes, I know that after a breakup it is very easy to want to jump right back into another one. You miss the feeling of having someone else around, you feel like crap because you just got dumped and want someone to validate the fact that you are a worthwhile person, but what kind of relationship is it really going to turn out to be? You cannot look to someone else to value your own feelings of self-worth and importance. These are things you need to find for yourself and do for yourself. You cannot expect someone else to love you wholly and completely until you can love yourself that way. We teach others how to treat us and if they watch us talk down about ourselves or treat our bodies with no respect, how can we expect them to treat us any differently? Before this last relationship I was involved with another guy for about two and a half years. That relationship was FULL of emotional and verbal abuse and left me feeling completely broken and worthless. I was only single for about three to four months before I got involved with this relationship. I cannot say that this ultimately led to the end of my relationship or was even a big reason for it, but it definitely made starting the new relationship difficult. There were trust issues I had to overcome that had nothing to do with the new guy in my life, and it was almost like he had to work hard to prove to me that I was worth something even though he was not the one that led me to believe I was worthless in the first place. I guess all I'm really trying to say is that you need to help yourself heal from past relationships rather than expecting another person to fill that void for you.

Lesson #2: Exes are exes for a reason.

Maybe you ended your relationship on good terms: you get along well, you have fun together, but ultimately cannot see yourself spending the rest of your life with the other person, so you break up. But you'll always be friends, right? WRONG. It may be difficult to say goodbye to someone who played such an important part in your life for a long time, but staying friends with exes complicates things both for yourself and for any person you may be involved with in the future. I tried being comfortable with my significant other staying friends with his ex, but it ended up leading to more problems than it was worth. After being paranoid about it all the time and seeing text messages from her proclaiming her love for him, I decided it was time to ask him to remove her from his life. Now ladies, if a guy refuses to remove someone from their life who is a potential hazard to your relationship, that is a MAJOR RED FLAG. If a guy wants to make a relationship with you work and you are telling him you are uncomfortable with something, he will hear your concern and do something about it. He will not fly across the country to Vegas with his ex to visit her sister, he will not allow his ex to stay best friends with his mom, and he WILL NOT invite his ex to go places/do things that he has not invited you to do. Yes, I know this all seems very obvious, but sometimes giving in just a little bit turns into putting up with a lot of things you shouldn't have to. The last thing you want is to try to accept that this person who shares so much history with your guy is going to remain a part of his life, continually try to force her way into your relationship, refuse to let go, and then before you know it he PROPOSES to her while you are under the impression that the two of you are still dating. Trust me, exes only lead to complications. If it's not working out say goodbye and move on with your life. Exes are exes for a reason and there is absolutely NO REASON why they should continue to haunt current relationships. If you or your significant other is holding onto an ex, there is a reason for it. Step away, figure it out, and then move on when you are ready. Don't drag someone else into your own personal baggage or allow them to drag you into theirs.

Lesson #3: There is a difference between compromise and sacrifice.

Yes, all relationships require some compromise. Regardless of how wonderful your relationship may be, there are always going to be things that you and your significant other disagree on. It's normal, and it's going to mean making compromises even when you don't want to. However, there is a different between making a compromise and ALWAYS sacrificing your own wants or needs. If you feel like you are always the one giving in, always the one whose wants and needs get pushed to the side, there is a problem. A relationship is a two-way street, and if you are dating someone who is on a one-way road (a "their-way" road) all the time, it's time to drive the opposite direction. Relationships require give and take. Yes, we say that it's better to give than receive, but if you are constantly giving and never receiving then it's time to take a look at how much your significant other really values you.


Lesson #4: Honesty is the best policy.

I'm sure you've all heard that one before. So why is it so hard? Sure there are things we have done in the past or do while in a relationship that we're not proud of and are embarrassed to come clean about. But am I alone here when I say that the truth ALWAYS seems to come out? My philosophy is to be up-front about things in the first place. Being honest shows someone that you trust them enough to accept who you really are and that you value them enough to believe that they are worth the truth. It is much easier to explain a situation up front than it is when your significant other hears it from someone else and is now not only wondering WHY it happened but also why you didn't tell them about it. If you are afraid that being honest is going to cause your significant other to be angry with you or maybe even end your relationship, then deal with it. Everyone deserves to know who it is they are really spending their time with. It's a lot easier to work through a situation right after it happens than trying to explain why you lied or didn't come clean. Not being honest indicates that you have something to hide, which always begs the question of whether or not you are likely to do it again. Coming clean shows that you recognize your mistake, are sorry for it, and have learned your lesson. Sometimes the truth hurts, but lies and secrets...the damage does not even compare.


Lesson #5: Never date a guy who looks in the mirror more than you do.

I'm sure a lot of you laughed when you read this, but how many of you know people like this?! As a stereotypical girl, I tend to look in the mirror a lot. I want to make sure my outfit looks okay, check my hair straightening skills, see if that zit is covered up good enough, decide whether I'm having a fat day or skinny day. When I'm done doing all of those things and my guy who does not wear makeup, straighten his hair, is solid muscle, and dresses like someone straight out of an Express ad is STILL looking in the mirror, something is UP! A guy who is that concerned about his own appearance lacks self-confidence and will likely spend more time fishing for compliments than he does noticing how good you look. It's really easy to feel self-conscious about your own appearance when you are surrounded by someone who is very concerned with their own. Now I like a guy who respects himself enough to put together a nice outfit and look good for a night out with you, but there is a line that should not be crossed.

I mean, really?!

In five years there have definitely been a lot more lessons I have learned, but I think this sums up a few of them for now. I don't want to give anyone the wrong idea and say that my relationship was absolutely horrible and miserable because I would not have stayed in it as long as I did if that were the case. Were there red flags throughout that time? 100% yes. Were there times that I sacrificed more than I compromised? Most definitely. But were there numerous times where I felt completely loved and happy and satisfied in my relationship? Without a doubt. I guess what I'm trying to do here is recognize the things that I got out of this relationship, rather than focusing on the fact that I invested five years of my life in a relationship that didn't work out. Do I still wish this person the best in life? Deep down, yes, even though right now I would probably say I wish him the worst. Everyone makes mistakes and everyone has the opportunity to learn from them. In this instance I am taking the mistakes I have made and the lessons I've learned from them and using them to my advantage. I hope that some of you can learn a thing or two from my experiences, as well.

Bring It On, 2012

I have to admit that 2012 has not been everything I had hoped for and more...yet! To say that it has started off pretty rocky would be quite the understatement, and it it is so tempting to just throw my hands in the air and say, "You win, 2012, I give up!" It would be incredibly easy to just resign myself to having a bad year and settle for whatever that may look like. But guess what, 2012? I refuse to give up! Sure, January and the majority of February have been quite the test of faith, but I still have ten and a half months left in this crazy year to turn things around. So that's what I'm going to do. Each month for the rest of 2012 my goal is to do something for me--something fun, something daring, something I've dreamed of doing and just haven't gotten around to yet. Sure, my budget is somewhat limited, but that doesn't mean I can't make the most of it. So here are some ideas I have already come up with, and I'd be more than happy to have some feedback or ideas from any of you who are reading.

February: I need some sort of change. I've been throwing around the idea of chopping my hair (like shoulder-length...ah!), going on a shopping spree, and getting a tattoo (my parents already want to disown me for even THINKING about that one!). I have already made a hair appointment for this weekend while I am at home in Akron, so we'll see how drastic it really is!

March: Road trip to DC with my good friend Stacey to visit my big sister. Hoping to meet up with some friends and just have a good time. Also planning on doing a 3-4 mile race on St. Patrick's Day!

April: No ideas yet...but I'm sure they will come!

May: Running the Cleveland Half-Marathon in honor of my 25th birthday! I decided that I wanted to do something different to celebrate this birthday, and running a half-marathon is something healthy and definitely rewarding. Training is already in progress and I am excited to take this on!

I haven't yet thought about the rest of the year. I know that I have off work from the second week of May until August 1st, which leaves plenty of time for vacations! I am still debating whether or not to get a job over the summer to make some extra money or to just relax and enjoy some "me time." I plan on staying at Muskingum for another academic year and am looking forward to making the most of my time here. I realize that this is not a "forever" job for me, but I am prepared to use this time to learn more about myself, to meet new people, and to explore different opportunities.

For the rest of 2012 (and beyond, of course), I refuse to sit idly by while my life happens to me. It's my turn to decide what my future will look like, what goals I am going to achieve, and who I will allow to be by my side throughout all of it!

And we'll end with a song:

Kate Voegele Cover Competition

Hey everyone!

I recently (as in tonight) entered Kate Voegele's "Got Kate Covered" competition. Seeing as how Kate is one of the musicians I look up to most, I decided I should enter for fun. The song I covered, "I Couldn't Save You," is one of my favorites of hers. The YouTube video of my cover is below. If you could go to the video on YouTube and "Like" it under the video window I would so appreciate it. The most "Likes" wins. You are all awesome. Thanks for your support!

Reflections and Goals

I know it's January 5th, but I am just now getting to the blog post where I reflect on the past year, talk about what I've learned, and make goals for the new year. Better late than never, right?

2011 was an interesting year, to say the least. There were ups and downs, that's for sure, and so many changes. There was love, there was loss, and at times it was difficult to handle all that was going on around me. At the end of the day, though, I think the best thing we can do is to learn from our experiences and take that knowledge with us as we continue on throughout our lives.

When I say that there was "loss" in 2011 I guess it means a variety of different things, but mostly it means that God took two great men from this earth who are deeply missed by many. The first was Jim, my boss for the last seven years at the candy store I started working at in high school. I blogged about it back in October when it happened, but I don't think I realized the enormity of the loss until Christmas this year. I wasn't initially planning to go back to the store this year what with having a "real job" and all, but I knew Jim's wife, Janene, could use some extra help and moral support. It was definitely weird to be there and not have Jim there. It didn't feel the same and our typically joyful Christmas Eve feast was definitely missing a huge component. On the other hand, though, we laughed...a lot. There was never a dull moment between trying to figure out what to do when one of the machines broke (that was always Jim's job) or creating an awesome batch of caramels. There were the butter creams that were a little too creamy, and there were several hours I spent rolling out creams and truffles, just like Jim taught me. I never thought I would be doing those things without him, but had to smile at the memories of him teaching me. The number of customers who came in expressing their sympathy and sadness at the loss of Jim is truly a testament to how much he was and is loved.

Another loss came more recently. My dad's mom, Mimi, is a twin and is best friends with her sister, my Aunt Nancy. My Mimi and Papa and Aunt Nanci and her husband, Uncle Dick, did so much together. They came to all of our family gatherings and were basically like another set of grandparents to us. My Uncle Dick had not been doing well lately, suffering from a heart attack over the summer. Unfortunately he suffered another one at the end of November and passed away. The funeral was difficult, as all of us great-nieces and nephews participated in a reading, and my part was to remind everyone at the funeral that my Uncle Dick loved everyone there...and the truth is, he really did. I can honestly say without being dramatic or exaggerating that my life would be so incredibly different if it weren't for my Uncle Dick. The land my parents' house is built on was owned by him. My parents were looking at buying land in Wadsworth when they had a conversation with my uncle and he gave them a really good deal on this land that he owned (when I say "really good deal" I mean my mom threw out a random number joking around and he said, "okay!"). If it weren't for him I would not have grown up in Akron, gone to Woodridge, or met many of the people who play a huge role in my life now. Because of his generosity I grew up in a home I love in an area I love and created some awesome friendships along the way. Uncle Dick was able to make it to my parents' anniversary party in October and could not have seemed happier to be there. I am so thankful to have that last memory with him.

2011 was also a year of big changes. I graduated with my Master's Degree on my birthday in May, which was super exciting, and had already accepted a job doing something I loved. At the end of July I moved a little under two hours away from home to work as a counselor at a small university. It was definitely an adjustment moving that far from home without knowing anyone, and I was anxious about how things would be. With that being said, the adjustment to such a small town has taken some time, but the people I work with are great. Around the same time that I moved, one of my best friends got engaged and moved to LA! I am so incredibly happy for her, but the three hour time difference makes it hard to connect sometimes, and I find myself missing our friendship. There were so many other changes, as well, but I feel as though that is way too much to get into at this point!

All in all, 2011 had its moments, but I am so excited that it is a new year and I am ready to take it by storm. The first crazy, stupid, impulsive decision I made of 2012 was to register for the Cleveland Half-Marathon on May 20th. I figured that last year I graduated with my Master's on my birthday, I had to do something even more exciting this year (since I'll be 25 and all), so why not a half-marathon? I'll tell you why: because I am not a runner...yet! Goal is to start training tomorrow, and maybe in 20 weeks I'll be ready! Other than that, I'm just hoping to make the most out of 2012. I'm not going to wait around for opportunities anymore, but instead create them for myself. I want to make the most of every moment I'm given, and appreciate the little things. I'm trying to start the year with a more positive outlook (I can tell you I definitely did not do that last year) and live my life the way I want it to. I have some other more long-term goals in my mind, and who knows whether or not I'll accomplish them in the upcoming years. All I know is that right now I'm ready to turn things around and make 2012 the best that I can. I realize now that how my year is, how each day is really, is only determined by me: my attitudes, my actions, my reactions. I'm ready to take it on.

Marvelous Light

I was running on my elliptical last night when this song came on my iPod randomly. It was definite motivation to keep running and really made me reflect upon all that is going on in my life currently. I always thought it was a fun song to sing at Cru or at church, but I really listened to the lyrics last night and had to smile. I'm not going to get into all that this song speaks to me, but I will say that God is great!

I also read a quote the other day and thought I'd share. "I cannot brag about my love for God because I fail Him every day, but I can brag about His love for me because His love never fails."

6 days until CHRISTmas! Keep on "running!"

Update Coming Soon

Much has been happening lately and, sadly, I have not kept up with my blog. As Christmas approaches, I will have a three-week break from work and promise to find time to update. Hope everyone has a wonderful holiday season!!

I Couldn't Save You