Some Pages Turned, Some Bridges Burned, Some Lessons Learned

I am not a big believer in wasting time. I like to be productive, to use the time I have to do something worthwhile, to learn things from every experience I have. With that being said, I am struggling with the fact that I just got out of a five year relationship that went virtually nowhere, and am forcing myself to look back on those years to recognize what I really got out of them. First and foremost, if it were not for this relationship I do not know if or when I would have accepted Christ into my life. I cannot say that I became a Christian because of the example that was set for me in my relationship, but I highly doubt I would have ever gone to Campus Crusade for Christ in college if a certain guy had not been on the worship team. For that I am thankful, because I feel that knowing Christ has made the last five years more bearable and helps me through even the hardest times. Out of my relationship I also got my lovely kitty, Bella. This little love makes me smile and laugh on a daily basis and is always waiting for me at the door when I get home from work. Sure, I may look like a cat lady sometimes, but I get unconditional love from a crazy creature who knows when I am having a rough day and need some snuggle time. Of course there were more things I got from the relationship, including plenty of material things such as jewelry and clothes and enough stuffed animals to provide a safe landing for a skydiver with a broken parachute. In all seriousness though, I learned some valuable life (and relationship) lessons that I will carry with me in the future, and I hope that by sharing them at least one other person will learn something and will not fall into the same trap I did for so long.

So, ladies and gentlemen, here we go.

Lesson #1: Make sure you are completely over your last relationship before getting into a new one.


Yes, I know that after a breakup it is very easy to want to jump right back into another one. You miss the feeling of having someone else around, you feel like crap because you just got dumped and want someone to validate the fact that you are a worthwhile person, but what kind of relationship is it really going to turn out to be? You cannot look to someone else to value your own feelings of self-worth and importance. These are things you need to find for yourself and do for yourself. You cannot expect someone else to love you wholly and completely until you can love yourself that way. We teach others how to treat us and if they watch us talk down about ourselves or treat our bodies with no respect, how can we expect them to treat us any differently? Before this last relationship I was involved with another guy for about two and a half years. That relationship was FULL of emotional and verbal abuse and left me feeling completely broken and worthless. I was only single for about three to four months before I got involved with this relationship. I cannot say that this ultimately led to the end of my relationship or was even a big reason for it, but it definitely made starting the new relationship difficult. There were trust issues I had to overcome that had nothing to do with the new guy in my life, and it was almost like he had to work hard to prove to me that I was worth something even though he was not the one that led me to believe I was worthless in the first place. I guess all I'm really trying to say is that you need to help yourself heal from past relationships rather than expecting another person to fill that void for you.

Lesson #2: Exes are exes for a reason.

Maybe you ended your relationship on good terms: you get along well, you have fun together, but ultimately cannot see yourself spending the rest of your life with the other person, so you break up. But you'll always be friends, right? WRONG. It may be difficult to say goodbye to someone who played such an important part in your life for a long time, but staying friends with exes complicates things both for yourself and for any person you may be involved with in the future. I tried being comfortable with my significant other staying friends with his ex, but it ended up leading to more problems than it was worth. After being paranoid about it all the time and seeing text messages from her proclaiming her love for him, I decided it was time to ask him to remove her from his life. Now ladies, if a guy refuses to remove someone from their life who is a potential hazard to your relationship, that is a MAJOR RED FLAG. If a guy wants to make a relationship with you work and you are telling him you are uncomfortable with something, he will hear your concern and do something about it. He will not fly across the country to Vegas with his ex to visit her sister, he will not allow his ex to stay best friends with his mom, and he WILL NOT invite his ex to go places/do things that he has not invited you to do. Yes, I know this all seems very obvious, but sometimes giving in just a little bit turns into putting up with a lot of things you shouldn't have to. The last thing you want is to try to accept that this person who shares so much history with your guy is going to remain a part of his life, continually try to force her way into your relationship, refuse to let go, and then before you know it he PROPOSES to her while you are under the impression that the two of you are still dating. Trust me, exes only lead to complications. If it's not working out say goodbye and move on with your life. Exes are exes for a reason and there is absolutely NO REASON why they should continue to haunt current relationships. If you or your significant other is holding onto an ex, there is a reason for it. Step away, figure it out, and then move on when you are ready. Don't drag someone else into your own personal baggage or allow them to drag you into theirs.

Lesson #3: There is a difference between compromise and sacrifice.

Yes, all relationships require some compromise. Regardless of how wonderful your relationship may be, there are always going to be things that you and your significant other disagree on. It's normal, and it's going to mean making compromises even when you don't want to. However, there is a different between making a compromise and ALWAYS sacrificing your own wants or needs. If you feel like you are always the one giving in, always the one whose wants and needs get pushed to the side, there is a problem. A relationship is a two-way street, and if you are dating someone who is on a one-way road (a "their-way" road) all the time, it's time to drive the opposite direction. Relationships require give and take. Yes, we say that it's better to give than receive, but if you are constantly giving and never receiving then it's time to take a look at how much your significant other really values you.


Lesson #4: Honesty is the best policy.

I'm sure you've all heard that one before. So why is it so hard? Sure there are things we have done in the past or do while in a relationship that we're not proud of and are embarrassed to come clean about. But am I alone here when I say that the truth ALWAYS seems to come out? My philosophy is to be up-front about things in the first place. Being honest shows someone that you trust them enough to accept who you really are and that you value them enough to believe that they are worth the truth. It is much easier to explain a situation up front than it is when your significant other hears it from someone else and is now not only wondering WHY it happened but also why you didn't tell them about it. If you are afraid that being honest is going to cause your significant other to be angry with you or maybe even end your relationship, then deal with it. Everyone deserves to know who it is they are really spending their time with. It's a lot easier to work through a situation right after it happens than trying to explain why you lied or didn't come clean. Not being honest indicates that you have something to hide, which always begs the question of whether or not you are likely to do it again. Coming clean shows that you recognize your mistake, are sorry for it, and have learned your lesson. Sometimes the truth hurts, but lies and secrets...the damage does not even compare.


Lesson #5: Never date a guy who looks in the mirror more than you do.

I'm sure a lot of you laughed when you read this, but how many of you know people like this?! As a stereotypical girl, I tend to look in the mirror a lot. I want to make sure my outfit looks okay, check my hair straightening skills, see if that zit is covered up good enough, decide whether I'm having a fat day or skinny day. When I'm done doing all of those things and my guy who does not wear makeup, straighten his hair, is solid muscle, and dresses like someone straight out of an Express ad is STILL looking in the mirror, something is UP! A guy who is that concerned about his own appearance lacks self-confidence and will likely spend more time fishing for compliments than he does noticing how good you look. It's really easy to feel self-conscious about your own appearance when you are surrounded by someone who is very concerned with their own. Now I like a guy who respects himself enough to put together a nice outfit and look good for a night out with you, but there is a line that should not be crossed.

I mean, really?!

In five years there have definitely been a lot more lessons I have learned, but I think this sums up a few of them for now. I don't want to give anyone the wrong idea and say that my relationship was absolutely horrible and miserable because I would not have stayed in it as long as I did if that were the case. Were there red flags throughout that time? 100% yes. Were there times that I sacrificed more than I compromised? Most definitely. But were there numerous times where I felt completely loved and happy and satisfied in my relationship? Without a doubt. I guess what I'm trying to do here is recognize the things that I got out of this relationship, rather than focusing on the fact that I invested five years of my life in a relationship that didn't work out. Do I still wish this person the best in life? Deep down, yes, even though right now I would probably say I wish him the worst. Everyone makes mistakes and everyone has the opportunity to learn from them. In this instance I am taking the mistakes I have made and the lessons I've learned from them and using them to my advantage. I hope that some of you can learn a thing or two from my experiences, as well.