To say that the last several months have been a struggle would be an understatement. To make a long story short, my life became a roller coaster that I don't remember getting on and then my world was turned completely upside down by someone I trusted. Now, this person, who I thought was a permanent fixture in my life, is nowhere to be seen (If you want the details, go ahead and ask. I am really not concerned about upholding this person's reputation!). Have you ever thought you knew someone really well, only it turns out that they were actually the complete opposite of what you thought? Like to the point where you look at their picture now and don't even recognize them and kinda sorta maybe despise them? Yeah. That happened. And it sucked.
To be completely honest though, this hurt. I mean, more than I've ever been hurt before, and I can't say that I am completely healed because the actions of this person completely blindsided me. There were days at the beginning where I couldn't see things getting better, where I would just lay in my bed and cry, or stare at the ceiling while a million questions ran through my mind. None of it made sense, and it still doesn't really. I mean, to think that any human being could behave this way, let alone someone who I let into my life for five years, is outrageous. For the most part, I'm better. Sure, I still catch myself changing songs that remind me of this person, or see something they would have liked and get a little sad, but then I remember that this person isn't worth any of that. I recognize the fact that it's not him I miss, but the person I thought he was who doesn't even exist! Every minute of our lives we spend being sad is 60 seconds of happiness we will never have, right? Right. And let me tell you, this person does NOT deserve to take away any more of my happiness.
As hard as it has been, I know I'll be better off because of it. Do I really need someone like that in my life? The answer, my friends, is NO. I recognize now that I deserve (and really any decent person in the world deserves this) people in my life that are going to appreciate me, value me, and respect me. I've learned a lot about myself--my wants, needs, and expectations--over the last few months and I am thankful for that. I know that I can approach any sort of relationships in the future in a different way and will likely be better for it. It took me awhile to realize it, but it's okay to cry, it's okay to be sad and feel completely broken. I think it's part of the healing process, and without it it's hard to move forward. With that being said, this is an old song by Lindsey Haun that I kind of love and has been an obsession of mine when life gets tough, so I thought today, "hey, why not record it?" So I did. Please don't mind my less than perfect guitar playing and my crazy, static, the wind hates me hair.
Oh, and Happy Friday everyone!Cheers to the freakin' weekend!
No comments:
Post a Comment